entering the terrible twos

I’ve been carrying a huge lump in my throat these past couple of weeks. Something has just felt completely off and I wasn’t quite sure what it was until today. This week the boys are turning two. Although some may see it as a reason to celebrate, my heart is taking a beating knowing that we are way past the baby stage entering this unknown territory of testing limits and pushing boundaries I am not quite prepared for. Moments where my hand is shoved or constantly trying to be let go. Moments where I can’t quite understand what is happening before me because my kids are upset and they are hitting their head against things. Such as the wall or the floor. Last time I checked, if I was mad, I’d punch something but never ever hurt my head… that’s kinda alarming and a bit painful in my opinion.

We’re living days of rollercoaster emotions. One minute we are all screaming around the house yelling out DINO-SAUR and the next one of them is crying bloody murder because he wants my phone. Mind you, we set a rule to not give our kids our phones. That was before the tantrums were in public and we realized they dropped every bit of emotion whenever that wonderful pig comes on… Peppa Pig. I actually like watching Peppa Pig… and singing every song any of their cartoons have on replay. I do so while I shower and while I do the dishes. Then I come to realize I am just a bigger child than my children trying to raise them to be… not me? How does one raise better human beings than thyself? We keep falling back into our bad habits. Why wouldn’t my child want my phone when all he sees is his parents on theirs? All of this just reminds me of the many mom articles and posts that follow through with one main thought – parenting is difficult, we cannot be perfect and we will definitely fail at some things. It’s how we deal with this and recover that makes a difference.

The weight I carry knowing I am shaping two future husbands sometimes is alarming. I can only try my best to help them be kind, loving, respectful and quick to resolve their anger. Because if you witness what it is like now… those I want things my way tantrums, they look like scary children. We can only hope that it will be a phase and that mothering with help them to learn how to control those new urges. Just yesterday I was playing with two little boys that could barely hold themselves up and now they are having to learn how to share. Which is quite difficult at times, with each other that is. I am quite afraid of what it is they will do with another little human.

I have come up with ten personal mommy goals to apply this next year of taking care of my little monsters. Goals that I hope will make us all happier and less chaotic… because life with toddler twins is nothing short of a maniac show.

1. Spend less time browsing through Instagram, Facebook and emails and more time present in an activity that involves us all.
2. Less TV time. FOR ALL OF US. ( That includes Netflix on my phone. Cough, that one is for you Will. )
3. Teach the boys a sport.
4. Teach the boys the alphabet.
5. Take them a bath everyday. ( If you’re looking at me weird at this point, you haven’t had babies I’m sure. They skip days…at times.. or maybe just mine do. )
6. Learn to cut the boy’s hair.
7. Spend at least 30 minutes outside everyday.
8. Stop working at night when they sleep so that I’m happily up in the morning when they wake up.
9. Cook breakfast, lunch and dinner in a healthy way. Easy mac, chicken fingers and ice-cream are going to leave our routine.
10. Say no to work that I know is keeping me for too long from them.

Then I’m sure you’ll look at the images and see what happy little boys they are. And they truly are. There is no worse critic than a mother to herself. We will always feel like we can do better. Do more. Do BEST. I’d be lying if I said I am going to work on this, because we all know the even when we tell ourselves that we are going to be okay with the guilt, we once again let it cross our minds. So as a final rant, this is to my fellow moms reading this: I too wonder if there’s something I am doing wrong. If maybe there’s another way to handle a certain situation. I too get embarrassed while we are out and about and they have a ‘rage’ moment. I sometimes wonder how to discipline at this stage. I wonder if I am being too unreasonable for expecting certain things. I feel awful if I scream at them for something that is obviously not their two-year-old faults. So in all that self-doubt as to whether you are a good mom or great mom… you are not alone. I can tell you that you’re doing the best you can. And one day we shall see what all our sacrifices and hard work has dealt us. Adult kids… that makes me want to cringe. Can you imagine, adult William & Matthew?

All this motherhood vent deserves a snickers bar… and I have been saving this one for a night like this. The following pictures are from yesterday, I took my mother out to lunch to one of my favorite little spots and we later broke loose at the park. I watched them be wild and free and realized that just how we like to be. We also raced… READY, SET, GOOOOOOO! That’s our new favorite thing.

Stay tuned this week for more #vigoatwins posts!